I’m sitting in Portland right now, at The Riveter. Five female musicians will be showing up any minute now to dive into a group conversation on my podcast. Our topic: What is it like to be an older women working in the music industry?
Today, we’re counting “older” as over the age of 30. Our biological clocks are ticking. Soon, Snapchat filters might be our only way of looking smooth-skinned and sparkly. How are we going to cross the country on music tours and raise children? How are we going to make a living creating music without selling our bodies as objects? Has our time come and gone? If we haven’t ‘made it’ by now, are we doomed to be forgotten forever? Are these concerns running through the minds of men as well? Do women face these thoughts in all music genres and all industries? Men are never told “Hey, that was a really great performance…for a guy.” The women I’ve spoken with in Seattle told me this is a real issue. They’ve been told they’re “good for a girl” and they are warned that they’re “past it.”
Pop culture tells us that we need to be young and sexy to “make it.” Experience shows us that if anything, our youth and sexiness can actually blossom and flourish to new heights with age. In fact, as artists, our years bring us into wisdom and now we’re able to write lyrics that truly speak to the depths of the human soul, places we couldn’t fathom or refer to ten years ago.
Male or female, we’ve all wondered if we’re going to “make it” and we’ve felt the hustle, the pressure, the rush to ”make it” as quickly as possible, before our flower wilts. I hear this story in John Mayer’s lyrics.
“Some of us, we're hardly ever here
The rest of us, we're born to disappear
How do I stop myself from being just a number
How will I hold my head to keep from going under.”
- John Mayer, Vultures
And even once he’s “made it” — Can we all agree that John Mayer has “made it” by most people’s standards? — he writes lyrics like…
“There I just said it, I'm scared you'll forget about me.”
— John Mayer, Edge of Desire
Is he singing to a girl or to his fans? What’s the difference when it means the same thing? We want something and we get it and we wonder if we would be happier with something else. Once we accomplish something, we’re onto the next thing. What does it mean to “make it”? Performing on a big stage? Being CEO? Being a mom? Performing and being a mom? There’s no one definition. More from John…
“Yeah I've got my dream but you've got family,
Yeah I've got my dream but I guess it got away from me.”
- John Mayer, Dear Marie
When you say you want to “make it” do you have a specific goal, destination, a definable, attainable, measurable moment when you’ll know that you have succeeded? You can say, RIGHT NOW, I am standing on the top of the mountain or the moon, I have made it. Everything up until now was the journey and now I am at the destination. Our lives move forward through these milestones which are totally worth manifesting and celebrating because they enrich us and give us something to do while we’re on this planet. However, if you cannot define your “made it” moment, and you’re pushing yourself so hard for some vague feeling in the future of possibly being worthy, enough or complete, then good luck. Now you’re wandering and hoping.
What if, it’s not about “making it” somewhere? What if it’s about “making it” however you want it to be? You are a creator. You can build, craft, shape, cultivate, form, mold, a lifestyle that makes you happy and healthy. You can “make it” (it being your life) however you want it to be. Make a life that you enjoy, that feels good, that makes you laugh, smile, play, dance, sing, and do all the happy human things that display health. What does your life look like when you follow those feelings? Let go of the vague mountain top and the wishes of “making it” somewhere you may or not even like. Embrace “making it” right here and now how you want to be. Do not wait until you’re ready, good enough, chosen, different, or older. Your right now moment, is your life and through this moment you are connected to the next moment and the moment after that. Through a string of touching moments, you are directly united with whoever you are in the future. Time and space is one. Be fully in your moment now. You’ll never “make it” anywhere unless you’re “making it” right now.
Make yourself happy and healthy. Whatever that looks like, that is your path up and down the mountain. You do not want to do all this hard work in a direction that brings you dis-ease and disease and then one day open your eyes and scream “What the fuck am I doing with my one precious life?! I’ve been so obsessed with ‘making it’ here that I never stopped to admit to myself that I don’t want to be here unless I’m happy.”
”You don't wanna be stuck up on that stage singing
Stuck up on that stage singing
All I know are sad songs, sad songs”
— Mike Posner, I Took a Pill in Ibiza
SIX WOMEN AND TWO HOURS OF CONVERSATION LATER
Wisdom. Knowing what you want and knowing how to know what you want. These are gifts of aging.
We’re rushing to “make it”, afraid of slowing down because the clock is ticking. If we don’t make it by the time we’re 35 then….what? We compare ourselves to what we surround ourselves with. I feel old when I’m in the crowd at a rave full of teenagers on drugs. I feel young when I visit my grandma. I feel talented when I’m the only musician in the room. I feel embarrassed by my beginner-ness when I’m in the room with musicians who just got back from their European tours. Comparison is the thief of joy. I keep putting myself in new situations with new people; seeking new friendships, lessons and stories of lifestyles I might wish to follow.
“Everybody is just a stranger
but that’s the danger in going my own way.”
- John Mayer, Why Georgia
My dreams of the big stage are slipping away. The more conversations I have with musicians who share this dream or whose reality is this dream, the more I feel like I’ve been pushing my square peg against a round hole. When I talk about my “music career” and performing I feel lost with my words, uncomfortable, out of place, messy. I’m talking to the ceiling, my eyes fluttering around as much as my mind. My statements are adding to the confusion or causing conversational dead ends. By contrast, when I talk about my creative process, the community I’m building, the peaceful enriching lifestyle I’m making for myself through yoga, meditation and detoxing from caffeine and social media, I feel grounded, power and clarity. I make eye contact and women nod and get that “oh” look on their faces. What I’m saying is showing them a new way of being.
The beautiful artists sitting around the table with me do not need me to be lost with them. They need me to stand up in my clarity about the way I’m going. Confident leadership. We know what we want. We know where we’re going. We only get confused when we start looking at other people and wondering if we should be going where they’re going.
“Will I dim the lights inside me just to satisfy someone?”
— John Mayer, In the Blood
Close your eyes. Remember a little while ago, years ago, when you were so confident about what you were doing. What changed?
I’m embracing my evolution. I do not want to live the life of the starving artist, the broke touring musicians, the stressed out entrepreneur, the run-ragged yoga teacher, the bored housewife, the scattered, lost, doubtful version of a human that I’ve seen myself exist as. I want to live life as an oasis of nourishing energy, colorful, creating, welcoming, grounded, unattached in abundant love. I create music, host a podcast show, operate businesses, teach yoga and lead women who want to follow me in making this energy their lifestyle too.
I feel nervous around female musicians, looking back at myself wondering if I belong with them. They’re all performing and touring and practicing guitar. I’m producing on a computer, rarely perform, and pour a lot of energy in podcasting and building community instead of or in addition to the actual craft of music. I want to fit in because that feels good…at least I think it does but guess what? It actually doesn’t. Fitting in doesn’t feel good when it’s with the wrong bunch of people. Better to walk alone until you find the tribe who blasts your favorite music around their campfire. And if you never find a tribe, better to explore who we are fully in our own direction. Wearing shoes that don’t fit is more dangerous than walking barefoot.
“Don't be scared to walk alone
Don't be scared to like it.”
— John Mayer, Age of Worry
We can talk about “making it” in the music industry OR we can talk about “making it” how we want it to be. Making “it” whatever we want it to be. Making life the way you want it to be. Making inevitable obscurity and death acceptable rather than offensive or terrifying. Making the rules. Making, design, creating, manifesting, building your life to be whatever YOU are and wish to become. This is “making it.”
Love,
Cha